Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
