i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How external is "for external use only"?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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