i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
