fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
