just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
