"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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