final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
