I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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