so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
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