dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
