Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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