If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
