Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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