I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
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