just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
