note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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