Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
