Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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