You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The power of my boobs compel you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
