I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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