she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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