Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
