i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
