its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I cut my penus on the lid.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
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