so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
