I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
