Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
