spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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