i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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