soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize