Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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