Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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