Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
