Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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