A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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