tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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