They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
