You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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