apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
