I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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