Your face is a jimmy john
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
