Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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