nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
