Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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