I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
