i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
