Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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