I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
