That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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