If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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