i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
