The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
