If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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