I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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