too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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