new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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